You think. In circles. Over and over again. The same thoughts, ideas, plans, and lists. You rub your head and eyes and neck in the same aching places. Under the blankets in the dark you are hot. You kick off the blankets and quickly get cold. The routine is all the same.
I dread 8pm. Absolutely dread it. You take a deep breath and plan to just tackle the moms to-do at 8pm list. You try to get things going with your kids, without nagging or sounding tired when all you REALLY want to do is scream for everyone to JUST GET IN BED. I am a pro at this however. Or so I like to think. I think ahead. I’ve always been pretty good at that. Of course it has taken me 23 years of being a mom to be able to say that. This is me. Guys! Its time for bed. Mark, brush your teeth. Sailor go in your room, daddy is going to do your pajamas. Jaidyn go get dressed for bed while your brother is brushing his teeth. Mark go get dressed for bed, Jaidyn brush your teeth, Sailor get your blanket, Paci and cup in your bed. Mark get a drink, Sailor brush your teeth, Jaidyn get a drink, Sailor get a drink, Mark do your medicine on your leg, EVERYONE BLOW YOUR NOSE. No one has a fever. No one forgot anything. EVERYONE got a hug. Everything else can be done and or talked about tomorrow. I love you. Hug. I love you. Hug. I love you Hug. GOODNIGHT. I go into the bathroom with a sink full of spit out tooth paste rinse the sink. I put the last of the get a drink dishes into the dishwasher and hit start. I grab the bottle of wine that was opened last night and pour a glass. I take a drink and set the glass down, however unlike my coffee in the morning this beverage won’t need to be reheated three times before it is finished. I look at my husband who is staring blankly at the television in the front room and walk around the house with my small basket looking like Little Red Ridding Hood. This fabulous system is called my basket system. It is amazing. I recommend you take note and try it. I have all my girlfriends doing my basket system too. You take your basket and go into the first room of your house. You take everything in that room that should be somewhere else and put it in the basket. You then clean/straighten the room. You go into the next room and take anything that is in the basket that goes in that room out of the basket and put it in its place. You then put into the basket anything that doesn’t belong in that room and you clean and straighten that room. I do this to all the rooms other than the rooms my kids are sleeping in. I make the kitchen be the last room I do because I end with my glass of wine and laptop. I take them both and go out onto the back deck where we have a TV installed. I turn it to a channel that plays soft music, I like John Mayer, Matt Nathanson, or just a jazz station and I start blogging. This is how I unwind. Funny thing is this is what I want to be doing however, after like 40 minutes and two glasses of wine, I am EXHAUSTED. I go to bed and as I pass my husband he turns off the television. I lay down and in minutes am asleep. This is so crazy to me. I am so tired I am instantly sleeping. OUT. However, give me 40 minutes to an hour and DING my power nap is over. I am looking at the ceiling, with the moon shinning through the blinds, annoyed like always. My house is quiet other than my husbands snoring and everything is as it should be at one in the morning. This is every single night. I lay there and it starts. Did I pay that bill on time? Did I write eggs on the grocery list? Crap I forgot to email Mark’s teacher back. Every. Single. Night. Then the stomach starts to grumble, not from hunger but from worry. Are my older kids okay? I haven’t talked to Connor in a while. I’m sure he’s fine, he’s so independent and would call if he wasn’t okay. Morgan is fine I’m sure, she is always fine. She’d be the one to survive if the world came to an end. Kali is fine, working at this hour, like Morgan they work graveyards. Did I shut the garage door after driving home from rugby or softball? I get up and go look and check the doors. I walk super quiet not to wake the puppies where they start barking. I check on the kids, cover them if needed and get back in bed. When did my body start hurting. Damn I’m getting old. Speaking of old, I should call the doctor about…… and it goes on. You get my point. I don’t have time to think of this crap during the day because I am working and being a mom. Its so stressful. So I reach for the laptop on my desk, put on my wireless headphones, start up pandora and read blogs. Until 3am. 3am is followed by trying to take a shower, and caving and taking a Xanax and rubbing my neck and forearms with Doterra’s deep blue. I usually recall looking at the clock for the last time somewhere in the 4 o’clock hour and my alarm blares at 5:45 and I want to cry. EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. I’m not quite sure how I function. I just do. I get up and my day repeats its self. Again and again, and again. Please tell me I’m not alone.
Sleepless at 5280 